Omphaloskepsis

I'd like to say a few words about Mr. Barry Bonds.

First, congratulations, Mr. Bonds. I reckon that you're probably one of the best people to ever play baseball.

Second, I find it odd the furor and hubub as he passes Babe Ruth (e.g. the "shambino" headline in the NY Tabloids, classy as ever).

Now, I hate Barry Bonds. Well, maybe not hate hate, but still. I was a hopeless Pirates fan as a kid, and even before the small, wiry Bonds sold the Buckos up the river, he regularly gave their fans stupendous regular seasons followed by playoff suckage.

So, yeah, I think he's a jackass. And I'm prepared to think the worst of modern players in general. I wouldn't be surprised if not only were the lot of them shooting bull testosterone into their arses while feasting on greenies, but also sleeping soundly at night smiling at the thought of young children crying themselves to sleep when their heroes skip town for a few more dollars.

That said, I think Bonds is getting a raw deal. I would call it racist if not for the deafening outcry of the public and sportswriters demanding the head of Mark McGuire. What, they're not? Ok, its racist.

And I think Bonds is a jackass. Which makes him perfectly suited to sit in the hall of fame alongside Babe Ruth (drunken gluttonous VD incubator), Ty Cobb (wife-beating racist, yet colorblind in purposefully spiking opponents of all colors with cleats he sharpened to fine points), boozehouds Mickey Mantle & Hack Wilson, &c.

That said, I think people are missing the real story. The narrative of "cheater Bonds" eclipsing "natural achiever Ruth" willfully ignores science. The New York Times recently reported that lactic acid is actually muscle fuel. Lactic acid is found in large quantities in hot dogs. Babe Ruth was known to gorge on hot dogs before games. Ergo, Babe Ruth was a juicer long before it came cool. Lactic Acid : Babe Ruth :: Bull Semen : Barry Bonds.

I eagerly await the media clearing the record. Barry, don't say I never did anything for ya'.

Sometimes you get on a mailing list and you have no idea how it happened, but it provides a fascinating window into a community that you'd never belong to otherwise. I don't know how the RNC got my email (or why they address me by my father's name), but I got an email from them the other day encouraging me to host a GOP house party. And if I host one, and raise a lot of money, I can get the coolest prize ever: A special, Republican Edition iPod! Democrats, where's yours?

Of course I'm not the first to notice this, so I'll limit my comments. Antigravitas pointed out as a fundraiser/volunteer, you can join various 'teams,' one of which is 'European Heritage.'

Then I got really excited as I searched for other special edition iPods. Not too easy to find. You can get Mr. Potter and soon the Red Hot Chili Peppers and maybe a Mercedes one? This one is fake, though if it weren't, I might have purchased it.

For those of you who haven't already heard, I've moved from doing web stuff at Brookings to doing web stuff at Cato. I've always leaned libertarian anyway, so the transition isn't as extreme as it may sound.

But anyway, since there hasn't been anything posted here for a while, I thought I'd take advantage of this lull to send you all to Cato's new blog, http://www.cato-at-liberty.org/. Many of you won't agree with a lot of the stuff posted here, but I think you'll be surprised at the number of things you will agree with.

Hah. Now Matty has to post to get this off the top.

If you
1) are remotely interested in world affairs / politics / current events; or
2) enjoy the timeless classic "hang on sloopy"

Then you will probably at least smile, and perhaps even nod your head in rythm, to the adorable Hang On Stevens.

Its the hott new hottness in lawyer school. Yo.

If you don't like Hang on Sloopy, well, you can go back to your alterna-trancecore or high classical music only or whatever. That's fine. But you have no soul.

So after having a surprisingly good semester in the fall, yours truly enrolled in an ambitious courseload, maxing out on credits and taking a couple of the hardest classes in lawyer school.

As they said in the late great Arrested Development, I've made a huge mistake.

So lately I haven't been readin' much on the internets, and you can see the extent of my blogging. This afternoon I took a break from reading about how amazingly deferential the FISA courts were back in that quaint 9/11 world where we asked a President to come back and ask for a warrant 3 months after wiretapping a conversation b/w an American and a foreigner to tried to catch up w/ what's happening in the world of blogtopia.

It didn't really work. Apparently the damned Mexican Horde hung a flag upside down in a retirement home and the Liberal Mains Stream Media refuses to cover it. Typical. Traitors.

But this post at Don Surber's place caught my eye, and I had a few things to add. First, the original all digital:

Liberelese Translated:

alternative energy sources /n./ New locations to drill for gas and oil.
bankruptcy /n./ A means of escaping debt available to corporations but not to poor people.
Cheney, Dick /n./ The greater of two evils.
class warfare /n./ Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.
climate change /n./ Progress toward the blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.
compassionate conservatism /n./ Poignant concern for the very wealthy.
DeLay, Tom /n./ Past tense of De Lie.
extraordinary rendition /n./ Outsourcing torture.
faith /n./ The belief that the Beatitudes include “Blessed are the rich” and “Blessed are the warmakers.”
free markets /n./ Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.
girly-men /n./ Males who neglect opportunities to grope unwilling women.
God /n./ Senior presidential adviser.
growth /n./ 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made according to Definition 1.
healthy forest /n./ No tree left behind.
honesty /n./ Lies told in simple declarative sentences (e.g., “Freedom is on the march.”).
House of Representatives /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $1 million to $5 million (See: Senate).
laziness /n./ When the poor are not working.
leisure time /n./ When the wealthy are not working.
liberal(s) /n./ Followers of the Antichrist.
No Child Left Behind /riff./ 1. There are always jobs in the military. 2. The rapture.
Patriot Act /n./ Pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.
pro-life /adj./ Valuing human life up until birth.
Senate /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30 million.
simplify /v./ To cut the taxes of Republican donors.
staying the course /slang./ Continuing to perform the same actions and expecting different results.
voter fraud /n./ A significant minority turnout.
woman /n./ 1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child but can’t be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have a child. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn’t want to have sex in the first place.

Well, I (this is Mr. Surber, mind) cannot let that slide without my Liberal-to-English dictionary:

Abuse and torture = stale Froot Loops.
Campaign reform = incumbent protection.
Censure = fishing.
Demonize = oppose.
Dissent is patriotic = how dare you criticize me.
Global warming = attack capitalism.
Haliburton = Haliburton.
Hate speech = shutup.
Increasing funding for port security = unionize it.
Karl Rove = worse than bin Laden.
Living wage = unionize.
Outsource = foreign trade.
Progressive = regressive.
Real security = pretend to have a plan.
Responsible redeployment = retreat.
Swift-boated = caught lying.
Tax cuts for the rich = Kerry, Rockefeller and the Kennedys already are protected by estate laws.
Undocumented workers = future Democrats.
Women’s rights = abortion.

Hahaha. Whoo, they sure got me dead to rights there. So I felt compelled to chip in:
i'd add to the first:
treason - criticising our Leader during War Time, which will last until our Leader says its over (remember back before Clinton dawdled when there was no such thing as Terrorism (other than those Trojan-fascists and their freedom-hating trick horse)), or we elect a Dem, whichever comes first.

re: the second list:
Abuse and torture = stale Froot Loops.
- bummer for those detainees we beat to death. that must have been some stale cereal.

Campaign reform = incumbent protection.
- $ = speech, after all. certainly has nothing to do w/ the supreme ct's conservative majority saying gerrymandering is a-ok. the founders would have wanted it that way. the fact that the soviet politburo had a higher turnover than the us congress just shows freedom produces much higher quality politicians.

Global warming = attack capitalism.
- or believing every respectable scientists and their silly "climate instability" - setting new weather records every year is a testament to american freedom and ingenuity. what do they know? i don't remember any "global warming" in the old testament.

Increasing funding for port security = unionize it.
- i'd settle for spending as much $ as a week of our glorious iraq triumph costs. or maybe making those non-union campaign-contributing companies install a barb-wire fence or something. hell, even hiring pam anderson to stand around those unguarded plants full of deadly chemicals. if midwesterners are ok w/ letting the owners continue their (admittedly) amazing lucky streak ok faith-based security, c'est la vie.

Tax cuts for the rich = Kerry, Rockefeller and the Kennedys already are protected by estate laws.
- what's america if you only get to inheret half of whatever amount your parents accululated in our country of boundless opportunity? it spits in the face of that constitutional amendment protecting every last dime for those hard-working lucky sperm clubbers.

Undocumented workers = future Democrats.
- brown entrepeneurs aren't the go-getters we want.

Women’s rights = abortion.
- commie reds may call it the right to control one's body, but what about the sperm contributor's right to comandeer their body for breedin'. after all, we'll need a lot more new bodies once we get rid of all those darned welfare-grubbing illegals picking our crops.

Note: please forgive me for not labeling parts of speech. I've made progress on sticking to correct form for legal citations, but I still can't diagram a sentence (or touch-type. argh). Thank goodness america has the freedom to let public schools get funded at the local level. Sometimes I think its a wonder I can effing read after a WV public education.

Lastly, I read that major big time conservative talk show host Hugh Hewitt recently touted his bravery when he risked life and limb to leave Orange County and broadcast from New York City. After all, the last time the islamo-fascists spoke, we were the front line of Teh Terror.

In keeping with the fearlessly gin-soaked Chistopher Hitchens's's recent decision to promote himself to General in the Army of Brave Men Typing Away In America Despite The Risk Of Mean Things Which Will Probably Be Said To Them At Cocktail Parties For Blindly Supporting Any And All Violence Against Brown People....well, I feel a lot braver now. I mean, those guys hang uptown, and here I am, much closer to downtown, and I risk way more certain doom by actually living here. I think I should at least get a bronze star, right? Ain't it even more perilous of for me staying here while agreeing with the treasonous media and stark raving mad leftists thinking we should spend more on Port Security than we do on one day maintaining Civil War the free-est freedom in Iraq? Maybe a corporalship?

This past weekend we efficiently dispatched of a 178-lb carcass. While surfing to figure out the best way to render lard, I came across this. Who among us can deny ever pondering the taste of human flesh? Would we make a decent prosciutto? I suppose ethically we should never consume our fellow man (like that German guy), but if my arm ever gets ripped off in a combine and there is no hope of reattaching it, I'm going to eat it. Hold me to that if I try to back out once actually confronted with self-cannibalization. But it's just pork pork and pork for awhile.

Been growing the beard for about two months. Suddenly, the NYT tells me it's cool. Does that mean it's not, now? Stupid fashion. So confusing.

Does anyone else see this alleged dust up between the prezzident and congress as some sort of concerted effort where the legislaters get the opportunity to distance themselves from the now wildly unpopular prezzident on a, let's face it, irrelevant issue?

Maybe I'm paranoid, but this smacks of collusion. At least it's something I'd think about doing if I were a political op.

Because word on the street is our prezzident is a Whig.

I generally hate human interest stories. Lots. They usually leave me with a "suck it up already, life is hard" glow in my gulliver. I had that going nicely until the last 45 seconds or so of this clip, when my computer must have kicked up some dust or something.


Of course, it would be kinda funny if it turned out he wasn't really autistic.

Saw this on Raymi's blog. Had to post it here, too.

I knew I was in trouble fairly early on.

A few weeks ago, I showed up in the east east village (PS 122) for a reading/performance by bloggers entitled "Worst. Sex. Ever." This was part of a monthly show put on by folks known as WYSIWYG, and was a special Valentine's Day-themed event that I felt I couldn't pass up. I suppose I was thinking that hearing stories about bad sex was better than sitting at home, entirely sex-less.

Which, looking back, still seems like solid logic. But I was unprepared to fall in love with a lesbian whore.

Yep, she started her reading and I knew it was all over: the glasses, the sarcasm, the dead-sexiness. This was a girl who had, for reasons mainly of journalistic curiosity, actually whored herself out. She got a good story and $60 for her trouble- a dollar a minute, as it turned out. In short, the girl you'd bring home to mom, if your mom was Madonna. And since then, I can stop reading her blog. Someone help me.